Spittin' Mad

I had a shitty day today.

My coworker was out sick, so I had to handle the entire calendar by myself. I'm a clerk in a criminal courtroom and on any given day, the atmosphere can range from lively to hectic. Today it was like a livestock auction.

On average, we handle 30 cases a day. For each case, there's roughly 10 people involved: the Judge, two Prosecutors, a Defense Attorney, the Defendant, a Pretrial Services Rep or Probation Officer, a US Marshal, and perhaps an unruly Witness or two. My job:

• get the parties together
• call the case
• look up the defendant's other cases
• report relevant background to the judge
• make phone calls to staff regarding drug treatment & mental health assessments
• update the court jacket
• generate commitment & release papers
• update the case in court-wide database, and
• scan paperwork.

Meanwhile, I have to keep one ear open for any questions the judge might ask. Record proceedings. Respond to inquiries. Locate missing attorneys. Answer phonecalls. Resolve calendar issues. Repeat 30 times.

Now today, I had an additional task: suffering the histrionics of another clerk.

It was a busy day, I was feeling sick myself, and to top it off, I had a double workload. This other clerk wanted to know why I had sent a case to her courtroom without warning her. It's standard procedure since her courtroom handles half a calendar, but I apologized, told her it had been crazy in here, then hung up the phone. She called back and huffily informed me she was telling our supervisor.

Who then was duty-bound to investigate. She called me into her office: What was going on? By then it was 3 pm and I was exhausted and pissed off. At best, this was a misunderstanding; at worst, it was a huge waste of time. I left my supervisor's office reassuring her we'd work something out.

Not likely. I can no longer pretend it's okay to be that dumb. Before, her mild imbecility had only amused me - her blank stare, the three-second pause before answering any question, the way she smacked gum (borrowed) with an open mouth. You'd be reading a newspaper and hear: "You readin' the paper?" You'd be eating a salad and hear: "You eatin' a salad?" But today she proved that idle minds are indeed capable of great mischief.

But as Ed Norton demonstrated in "Fight Club," office squabbles are not resolved through petty escalation. Instead, they are put to rest by spitting blood at the offending party. Feral sneer optional. Whenever things get tough at work, I will fantasize about doing this. And it will take me to my Happy Place.

*******

While we're on the topic of Ed Norton, I might as well get out of my system all the men I would leave my boyfriend for:

Ed Norton's smirk
Dustin Hoffman's empathy
Clint Eastwood's squint

While we're on the topic of my boyfriend, I might as well show all the men he looks like a composite of:

And finally, the composite of my dreams: